Wow, from this I
mentally fell apart. A final but very forceful blow had all but wiped out my
confidence and self-esteem. Here I was with a worsening bout of asthma, and the
misfit, berated by the course convenors and disowned by my workplace
colleagues. How could I work there anymore? What would I do now? How could I go
on? All these questions were flashing through my mind, and then strike three
hit!
My supervisor rang
me up and asked a question and then delivered via phone a notice of discontent
that the consultancies and contractors figures in the annual report had to be changed, and it was not
good enough. However, we will deal with that on your return. I collapsed on the
floor, emotionally exhausted, sobbing like a whimpering child, huddled within
the refuge of my body confinements, totally defeated and now accepting that
death could be an alternative. I managed to keep it together without letting on
my sheer dismay and condition, and travelled to the airport in such a state of
confusion that I went to the wrong terminal.
By the next
morning I was withdrawn and introverted in my thinking, that on my return from
the shops I had decided that the garage was the place I would do it, and so
went to open the garage door, only to again break down and fall onto the
concrete where my wife found me and immediately called for help. The doctor
advised her over the phone what to do, and she immediately sought counsel for
my condition. I had had enough, death was a clear alternative, and then the
suffering would be finished with. I was to immediately attend counselling and
was at the doctor’s Monday morning, breathing heavily, frothing through the
mouth and in a very agitated state of mind. I was a wreck; so much of a wreck
that my wife took immediately took me away from Canberra. But before she did
that she rang my supervisor and provided notice that I had collapsed and was in
no fit state on Doctor’s orders to be at work, and that a return was definitely
not imminent.
I have no recollection of how we got to Merimbula, but we
did. I was told to shower and be in full view of my wife at all times. Here I
was on suicide watch! I remember clearly having an out of body experience
during this time where I could feel myself floating above us on the foreshore,
and I could see my bald head and jacket. There was some sandwiches that hadn’t
been eaten scattered around and to this day I am uncertain as to what this all
meant. If it meant anything at all!
Here I was
in a state of absolute confusion as to the why? I wasn’t anywhere in a state
for logical thinking processes to be deployed, or at the stage of determining
what was going on. But the hatred had set in and I had a list in my mind of one
hundred people that I hated. How these times must have been so confronting for
my wife. How did she cope? How did Glenys find the inner strength and stay the
journey? As during this time I was oblivious to everything around me, on
sedatives and drugged to the eyeballs.
How far had
I fallen at this stage? I have no recollection of thinking like that. My
thoughts were all over the place and I suffered exhaustion at walking a few
hundred metres. What was going on here? How could this happen to me? Where to
from now? Confusion, confusion and more confusion. I am not sure how long we
stayed there, but it was a time where I acted on command, with no thought
process. Was I mentally wiped out? Why was I so confused? Was this my mind
saying, “Enough of the persecution, and was the persecution really
The journey of an ordinary person with
learning constraints, disease affected rising to the top of personal and
academic achievement, against considerable odds. A story of
persistence, commitment and dedication.
The Author is one of Australia’s many
achievers. His achievements in academia and social are to be admired
considering the lowly start to life. He has achieved at the highest
academic, business and social levels engaging with many diversities.
